Although I like to think of myself as fairly cool, my teenagers disagree - loudly, frequently, and with a level of conviction that’s frankly quite insulting. And, of course, they’re right.
I don’t feel that different as a person, but time has definitely changed us parents, hasn’t it? Somewhere along the way, a natural (and probably healthy) divide opened up between how we think and how our teens think.
Take last weekend, for example. It’s 1 a.m., I’m dragging my teenage daughter away from a party, and she’s muttering, “The night’s just starting!” and “Why are you so boring?” Meanwhile, I’m dreaming about my bed, and she’s dreaming about dancing until sunrise. The irony is, those of you who know me know that not so long ago, I would’ve been right there beside her.
And that’s okay. The gap between me and my teens is actually a good thing - parents who try too hard to act like teenagers don’t always give their kids the stability they need. But it does mean I’ve lost touch a little with how teens actually think.
Lately, I’ve been on a bit of a mission to understand what’s going on inside my teens’ brains - not just so I can survive these years, but so I can support them better. I’ve been diving into the research, and honestly, it’s been eye-opening. It’s helped me connect with my teens in new ways, and I hope it might help you too.
Here’s what we’ll look at:
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What’s happening inside teen brains: understanding which feelings and behaviours are shaped by biology (and not just “attitude”) can help us respond with a bit more empathy - even when they’re really testing us.
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How we can help them thrive: simple, practical ways to guide, support, and stay connected during these wild, wonderful, and sometimes exhausting teenage years.
What’s actually going on inside your teen’s brain
Here’s the short version: your teenager’s brain is being completely remodelled. It’s like a full house renovation - only the lights are still on, the plumbing is unpredictable, and the kitchen might be on fire.
During adolescence, the brain goes through one of the biggest transformations of our lives, second only to infancy. It’s pruning old neural connections (getting rid of what’s no longer useful) and strengthening the ones they use most. In other words, your teen’s brain is literally rewiring itself to become more efficient and adult-like.
The problem is, this process doesn’t happen evenly.
The emotional centre of the brain (the limbic system) develops early and is firing on all cylinders - that’s the part responsible for strong feelings, risk-taking, and reward-seeking.
The rational, decision-making part (the prefrontal cortex), which manages planning, impulse control, and foresight, is still very much under construction and won’t fully mature until the mid-20s.
So you’ve got a situation where the emotional accelerator is fully installed… but the brakes are still being fitted.
That’s why your normally sensible child can make decisions that leave you speechless - sneaking out to a party, sending risky texts, or bursting into tears over the “tone” of a harmless message. They’re not being dramatic for sport; their brain is flooded with emotion and reward signals that they’re still learning to regulate.
It’s also why they crave novelty and peers so intensely. The teenage brain is hardwired to seek excitement and social belonging - it’s how humans learned to leave home, explore, and adapt. To them, friendship isn’t just fun; it’s survival training.
And then there’s sleep, or the total lack of it. Teen circadian rhythms naturally shift later, so they’re biologically programmed to want to stay up and sleep in. It’s not laziness; it’s brain chemistry. Unfortunately, school start times and TikTok don’t exactly help.
So when you look at your teen and think, “What were you thinking?”, the honest answer is: they’re not always sure themselves. Their brain is practising - learning how to think clearly under pressure, how to weigh up consequences, and how to manage the tidal wave of feelings that come with growing up.
Why this matters for parents
Understanding the science doesn’t make the behaviour less maddening - but it does make it easier to respond with empathy rather than exasperation. When you see impulsive choices, risk-taking, or late-night meltdowns, remember:
- Their brain is learning emotional regulation through you.
- Your calm, consistent reactions are literally shaping their neural wiring.
- They need boundaries, yes - but even more, they need belonging and belief.
You’re not just raising a teenager - you’re helping to finish building a brain.
How to help your teen thrive during the brain rebuild
If adolescence is a brain renovation, then you’re the scaffolding: steady, supportive, and occasionally in the way - but absolutely essential.
Here are some research-backed ways to make those years a little smoother for everyone:
1. Stay calm when they can’t
When they lose it, your job isn’t to match their volume - it’s to model regulation.
Why it works: The teen brain learns emotional control through co-regulation - they borrow your calm until they can create their own.
Try this: When emotions run high, breathe, pause, and say, “Let’s take a break and talk in ten minutes.” It teaches them how to reset.
2. Set boundaries, not battle lines
Boundaries aren’t punishments - they’re reassurance that someone’s steering the ship.
Why it works: Predictable limits reduce anxiety and impulsivity.
Try this: Involve them in setting rules (“What’s a fair curfew?”). It gives them ownership and increases the chance they’ll stick to it.
3. Channel the risk
Teens need excitement (and I bet you did too when you were a teenager) - if they don’t find it safely, they’ll find it elsewhere.
Why it works: Healthy risks build confidence and decision-making skills.
Try this: Encourage adventure - sports, travel, creative challenges, volunteering - anything that gives them a thrill with a safety net.
4. Connect before you correct
Teens shut down when they feel judged. Connection keeps communication open.
Why it works: Feeling understood activates the brain’s reward circuitry so they’re more likely to listen.
Try this: Ask, “What was going through your head?” before launching into a lecture.
5. Respect the sleep shift (when possible)
They’re wired to stay up later and wake later - it’s not defiance.
Why it works: Sleep is vital for mood, memory, and learning.
Try this: Let them sleep in when possible and agree on no-screens-before-bed rules for everyone (including you).
7. Don’t Take It Personally
Rejection, mood swings, and eye-rolls aren’t about you (unless you’re being particularly uncool 😉) they’re about your teen needing separation and space to be themselves.
Why it works: Giving them space to try things for themselves and make a few mistakes along the way helps them develop independence.
Try this: Keep being there for them, especially when it feels hard - with humour, patience, and food. Food always helps.
The Takeaway (not the food kind - sorry teens!)
Your teen’s behaviour isn’t random or broken - it’s evidence of growth.
Their brains are being rewired for adulthood, and you’re the steady presence they’ll build that wiring around.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present, patient, and willing to learn alongside them.
Because underneath the chaos, there’s something extraordinary happening:
Your teenagers are becoming themselves.
By Dr Amy Redmond - Psychologist - Coach - Author of The Aha Journal
Want to find out more? Here's a list of books we love:
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The Teenage Brain - Frances E. Jensen & Amy Ellis Nutt
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Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain - Daniel J. Siegel
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Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood - Lisa Damour